Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
