I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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