I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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