I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
