Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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