I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
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you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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