I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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