Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.