just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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