I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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