so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
