we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
