remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
