It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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