I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
