y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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