I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
