Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
