My liver just broke up with me...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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