dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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