I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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