She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
