forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
