Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
