its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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