you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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