True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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