I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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