Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
