You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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