i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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