i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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