my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
