Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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