im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
