Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
