i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
