sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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