rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
