Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
