Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
