He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
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how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
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why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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