If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
