He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm always down for nudity.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
