their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
