If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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