It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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