I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
as a side note pls kill me
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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