HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
