your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
