her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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