Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
