She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
