He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
