My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
